Humphrey and his Minions

Humphrey is a stout fella from the Richmond suburb of Mechanicsville. The town sounds very country, like a place he would call home. On the average day he professes that he is American 50 times. He is Irish-Catholic and a fan of conservative values. Though he puts on a front that he is an old-school southerner, he appreciates people from all backgrounds as soon as they join him for a cold one.

He graduated from Hanover High School where he wrestled, played football and baseball. He excelled in wrestling, often facing competitors more than 30 pounds heavier (he's put a few pounds on since then). As a punter, Humphrey made people take a second glance. He isn't the dainty, rail-thin pansy that defines the position. He is more of a Sebastian Janikowski-type.

Janikowski



Humphrey



Last night he showed us that he still has the leg. Two years removed from the game and about 20 beers into the evening, Humphrey sent booming punts around the parking lot of Stone Gate Apartments.

In attendance for the day-long festivities were some familiar faces. Many gathered to play cornhole in the first-ever Humphrey for the Homeless Invitational. The event didn't actually raise anything but BACs, but was a success as Humphrey and I won the eight-team tournament with a 5-0 record. We beat his roommates and building mates, including Brad, Pat, Mike, Big Chris and others. (These are all their actual names, but they're fairly common.)

The Players
Brad is from Long Island, N.Y. and, well, he is definitely from Long Island. He loves to have a good time and loves to tell stories. The validity of his stories is uncertain and often as baffling as his decision to shave his abs.

Zach, another roommate, is from Virginia's Eastern Shore, but looks like he came from the Jersey Shore. In the depth of winter, he still has quite the tan. Don't get me wrong, he is cool guy and his girlfriend is pretty cute.

Chris — not to be mistaken for Big Chris — is the fourth roommate. Though he is balding and almost nerdy looking, Chris is actually quite the baller and has a fairly strong build. He is from Northern Virginia and dates a girl at Duke. Yeah... I'm thinking the same thing.

Big Chris — not to be mistaken for Chris — lives upstairs. He is 6-foot-8 with shaggy, dirty-blonde hair. Basically, he puts us all to shame in the looks department, but his lack of football knowledge makes us all feel better. Chris has recently become more of the American dream after being added to the football team. YAY!

Mike lives upstairs and I'm not sure where he is from. He is a smooth customer and dates a girl who goes to Columbia. Mike and Chris often talk about how inferior their minds are compared to their significant others.

Pat lives up stairs with Big Chris and Mike. He is a rich kid from Maryland who loves JMU sports. His fanhood is disturbing at times, but he has a big heart. Pat might have the most crucial thing in common with Humphrey — they aren't the most successful with the co-eds. More will come on their progress in this department.

These are the main players, but others will surface and I'll give you descriptions when necessary.

Cheers.