Fast Food Mommas

Humphrey is no stranger to fast food. He loves good deals and knows where to find them. Taco Bell is one of those places.

Though Humphrey makes a hefty salary working for a used car dealer, he is American and he likes his bargains. It's tough to beat the 89 cent Beefy Five Layer Burrito. He usually gets three and trust me that's a mighty meal for less than three bones.

But the spawn of Big Rick isn't convinced that he can get this 89 cent deal just anytime. After all, he is American and part of being American is being a sheep when it comes to consumerism.



Yes, every time without fail, Humphrey goes up to the co-ed working the register and asks if Denise is working.

The first time I witnessed this it was a sunny Saturday morning in Harrisonburg. Accompanied by a less-observant Mike from Jersey (Mike is sketchy and might have been checking out a co-ed far younger than legal), Humphrey proudly walked up to a smiling co-ed named Sara. He gracefully placed his meaty left forearm upon the counter and politely leaned in, "Is Denise here?"

Aware of the Taco Bell commercial, Sara smiled politely, humoring Humphrey. He then asked about the 89 cent burrito.

"Is that cool? Is that still cool?" He said, still leaning against the counter with one beat up Sperry shoe crossed behind the other leg. As he reiterated this a couple of times, he kind of nodded his head each time as it was cocked a little to the left. Sara was clearly charmed by his suave moves. Bingo! She gives him the burritos for 89 cents.

"You're a doll," he said to the now near orgasming Sara.

I was ecstatic. Was she going to give me the same deal? She did, but the fun didn't stop there. As we waited for our little baggies of steaming shit, I mean refried beans, a seasoned veteran of the Taco Bell force greeted us. Roberta, a sweet old woman who looks like the maid in Billy Madison, smiled at us.



Just when I thought I was gonna hear a deep voice chuckle, "Humphrey, you can help me shave my armpits," Humphrey spoke up and said, "How's it goin' Roberta?"

"I'm fine," she said, as jolly as her cousin from Billy Madison.

Humphrey continued on his charm offensive that often paralyzes co-eds of all ages. Like I said, Roberta is a vet. In fact she told us that she's been in the exact location on Route 33 for 20 years. (She said the place used to be Bojangles, or some shit.) But even she fell for the Humphrey Hustle.

"Roberta, how about putting a couple of free tacos in our bag?" he said with a wink and that same nodding motion he won Sara over with.

Sure enough, Roberta came back and whispered in a sexy voice, "I put a couple tacos in there." She then licked her lips and crinkled her nose at Humphrey. OK, that didn't really happen, but it would have been awesome.

What made this performance all that more impressive was that it came before that outdoor soirée, when he nearly stole the flexible co-ed from his smooth, Sinatraesque neighbor Chip Tarkenton.

And just mere nights before he had been shot down by a haughty co-ed named Tonya at McDonald's. He called her doll after ordering a couple of McChicken sandwiches. Let's just say she wasn't "Lovin' it."

Humphrey, usually incredibly respectful of co-eds, was hurt by Tonya's dismissal and loudly mumbled in the parking lot, "Bitch." He hasn't been back to McDonald's.

But Sara and Roberta and those 89 cent burritos are doin' Humphrey well.