After looking at the standings of the Co Rec 1 league (that's the lowest level league that includes co-eds) I realized that Dickinthe4skins should absolutely be playing tonight. Nothing like some good ol' investigative journalism to get me going.
If you click the previous link, you will first notice that Co Rec 1 isn't included under the brackets section of this Spring's 4-on-4 leagues. This could be a mistake on the part of UREC or, like I suspect, Co Rec 1 was purposefully not included in playoff action. I will look into whether this violates Title IX and is a clear discrimination against co-eds trying to participate in America's pigskin pastime.
(Humphrey's best friend and football legend Benjamin Rogers of Hampden-Sydney is baffled by this breaking news.)
To think that James Madison University, a beacon for equality, would stand for such an affront to co-eds. I know Humphrey is personally offended as he and the Captain of Dickinthe4skins, Zach, made a point to join the never-ending plight of co-eds in this country. One co-ed of Dickinthe4skins, the beautiful Kristin from Sandwich, Mass., even had a small stint as a defensive tackle in secondary school.
Beautiful co-ed Kristin
All of Kristin's memories have now come flooding back. She is reportedly sitting in a Carrier Library nook, bawling her eyes out with her chauvinistic coaches ringing in her ears. "Kristin, you'll never make it in the trenches weighing 100 pounds and standing 5-foot-4. You don't have the guts to get fat enough! Take your blond ponytail back to the locker bay where you can help the other co-eds plan a 'Mass' pregnancy scandal!" She thought by coming to JMU she would have a shot at playing for a football title without the sting of discrimination that has hindered our beautiful nation to this day. (Humphrey is currently en-route to comfort her. *Take note Pat, you don't have to be in the friends' zone, damn it!)
But I digress. Tonight must be some sort of consolation game for the top four teams in Co Rec 1. But the problem is that Dickinthe4skins finished fourth, not the Honey Combs. Dickinthe4skins not only finished with more wins at 2-3 (Honey Combs are 1-3), but for Mathematicians like Big Chris, not to be confused with Chris, that's a higher winning percentage at .400 compared to the Honey Combs' .250. The only way that Dickinthe4skins could have finished last is if they had a shoddy sportsmanship rating. Not so. They sit proudly with a 3.41 rating, good enough for third in the league. That's higher than the Honey Combs (3.15) and the Flagrats (3.18). Humphrey is a big reason for that rating, as he constantly compliments the zebras and puts them in stitches with his lively snap counts. "Bumblebee Tuna, Bumblebee Tuna!"
I have notified Humphrey and Captain Dick (Zach) about this unfortunate, and some might say tragic, development. Humphrey is enraged and likely trying to console Kristin. Poor guy can barely keep his composure right now. Captain Dick and Jersey Mike are going to see what UREC says.
Captain Dick's thoughts via text message: "they are scared of an upset then again its not really an upset when you have a 'rudy-like' figure in tim."
Could be Captain Dick. Could be.
(More to come when developments break.)
Mr. Chapman,
ReplyDeleteI'm Chip Tarkenton, a prestigious amateur lawyer specializing in cases that violate intramural sports liberties, and having accidentally stumbled upon your blog in an attempt to check the birth date of former vice president Hubert Humphrey, and I believe we have a case here.
Like former Vice President Humphrey, its evident that we're dealing with another great American here. No, your Humphrey didn't rise from modest beginnings in South Dakota to ascend to the second highest position of power in our great country, but its clear that your Humphrey stands for similar principles; America, football, co-eds, and 'Doin it live. And America. And that's something we can build on.
What we have here, boys, is a prime example of intramural sports discrimination. If you scramble up the letters of UREC and add DOMMNIST to it do you what you get? RED COMMUNIST! This isn't Vietcong University, this is AMERICA we're talking about here! Pardon me if I sound old fashioned but I still believe in a great American world where a portly young man with striking blue eyes can get liquored up and participate in Playoff Intramural AMERICAN Football. This spirited young Patriot they call Humphrey should be worried about a pass rush, not a gross violation of his constitutional rights, clearly protected in the Articles of Confederation. Sign me up boys, lets show these fascist pigs that when you fuck with the Red, White, and Blue, you're always gonna lose.
Chip Tarkenton
(Unlicensed) Attorney at Law
1830L Putter Court, America.