"It isn't irreconsipensiple." Part 2

"Humphrey! Humphrey! What are you doing?" said a giggling Big Chris. "I'm ragin' bro." The Tower of Babel followed this with gibberish that even Jimmy Gibberish wouldn't say. He really did sound like Stevie Janowski, the sidekick of HBO star Kenny Powers. (No that does not mean that by any stretch of the imagination that Pat is playing Kenny Powers to Big Chris' Stevie Janowski. That analogy is simply inapplicable.)

Best of Stevie


Humphrey told me today that he remembered the conversation like this.

"I told him to chug another beer and I'll time him and he said no because I told him to go to bed, but he wasn't gonna go to bed because i told him to chug beer...this happened about 4 times.

"And that the low man wins. That's why the bouncer won."

After the phone call, Big Chris could be found in those poor girls' kitchen devouring food at an inhuman level. The kid's appetite is never-ending and it gets worse when he rages. For example, he would eat two buffets during the average weekday and about an hour after the dinner buffet, he would beg people to go to Wendy's or Hardees with him (Pat usually obliges and they get Blizzards from DQ). One Sunday evening after two buffets, he spent $13 of his mom's money on Hardees. This was after he had already broken two phones, his $1,000 lap top, he spent a night in the slammer (not that I'm one to talk) and before he punched and cracked his windshield. I can't wait to meet this proud mother. She is up for canonization. (If you don't know that word, look it up. Humphrey is Catholic and American and so am I.)

Big Chris was shoving Scoops Tostitos into his mouth. Full handfuls, shoveled into his mouth like he had never eaten before. This was just an appetizer as 6-foot-4-and-275-pound guy was flipping 50 Lil' Smokies in a skillet. And that was just the second appetizer because a large pizza from Dave's Taverna Express was on the way.

I texted Humphrey: "He just shoved tostitos in his mouth and said I eat more than anything with a full mouth."

After eating we started the trek home. It has rained a good deal in the past couple of days, so going through the clearing in the woods probably wasn't the best idea. My Puma Argentina sneakers were covered in muck and Big Chris was wearing sandals that popped off every step.

"God damn it!" he was screaming. "You whore!" he yelled at either his feet or his sandals. I'm not sure we'll ever know. "My feet are too big!" This continued for much of the walk, though for some reason he refused to put his sandals back on after we cleared the mud.

Once we were out of the mud and walking the final stretch to Stone Gate, he said, "I smell like shit! I'm covered in brownies." He was covered in mud, but was still thinking about eating brownies. He told me that I should have listened to him.

Back at his apartment, we put the brownies on the counter and the half gallon of milk that he had smeared with his muddy hands. "Look at my leg," Big Chris, not to be confused with Chris, said. "What part would you say you would look under sinction? I mean sanction." Your guess is as good as mine.

I remember much of this because I was texting drafts as he spoke. One of my last drafts reads: "He just filled a pitcher of water and said 'This isn't brownie. It's more than brownie.' He is saying totally incomprehensible shit. I can't record anymore."

When I told the strapping young gentlemen, that is Big Chris, that he was incomprehensible, he responded.

"It isn't irreconsipensiple shit."