Humphrey's Thoughts on Soccer: Part II

Thousands of fans have e-mailed in with overwhelmingly positive feedback about the photoshoot. Many have asked why the Juicy Juice and Swiss Cake Rolls? As promised, here is the essay that Humphrey wrote in high school about soccer and baseball. Minimal editing has been done in order to better preserve the authenticity of the young lad's writing. (Video interview with Humphrey coming soon.)

Battle of the Balls: Soccer & Baseball, That Is

Baseball, America’s pastime. Soccer, America’s nickname for the imported game of futból. Americans had to come up with the name “soccer” because we already had a better game called football. There seems to be a consensus in our high school, or just with our soccer team, that baseball is boring and easy. Is that why the soccer stands are filled with only the parents of the players and students seeking extra credit and there are not enough seats in the bleachers or room along the fence line at baseball games? Is that why baseball practice ends an hour or two after soccer lets out? Soccer parents venture over to the concession stand and bathroom on an average of 4 times per game. Either they are obese, have a “growing problem not a going problem” or they are bored and watch to catch a glimpse of a real game.

Soccer players are quick to point out that baseball players are not athletic. That is crap. Most baseball players are athletic and although some appear unathletic, they use their unathletic looking qualities to perform their duties. A fat pitcher uses his weight to gain more momentum in order to throw the ball harder. As for soccer, all of them are athletic. They can run for extended periods of time. Congratulations. Baseball players also have the use of their hands. There have been studies and it turns out that soccer players eventually lose complete use of their hands when they reach the age of 57. This, along with the substantial loss of brain cells due to “heading” the ball, is most likely why soccer players are unintelligent and uncoordinated (Not based on actual statistical analysis).

Now, let’s talk talent. Soccer, going back to the athlete portion, if you were to stick a decent athlete out on the soccer field then they would do all right. All that would be neede to turn an athlete into a good player would be a couple lessons on how to move around and where to be when the ball goes from one end to the other. Baseball, on the other hand, requires years of practice just to be an average player. It is not a game that someone can just decide, “Hey, I want to play baseball now.” There are not many pick up baseball games because most kids have not acquired the skills to play such an advanced game. Mass amounts of skill are needed to hit a 5 ¼ ounce ball traveling anywhere from 75 to 95 miles per hour. Ability and expertise are needed to throw a ball 60 feet over a 17 inch plate anywhere from 75 to 95 miles per hour consistently, while throwing a variety of different pitches. The easiest part of baseball is fielding, and even that is not as easy as it looks. A lot of footwork is involved that puts the fielder in a position to throw the ball to the appropriate base and making the throw is not an easy task either. When baseball players “kick” or “boot” a ball, it is an error.

In soccer the coach has around two to three decisions to make the entire game. He or she will make a couple substitutions and has 90 minutes decide where to go eat after the game. If they are lucky when the game has reached its conclusion there will be a soccer mom waiting with Juicy Juice boxes and Little Debbie snacks. A baseball coach has a million things going on during the game and it is not just the head coach, but the assistant coaches also. They must be good at getting into peoples heads. They must out think the opposing coaches and players. Situations exist where a player should be moved ten feet in a direction based on the type of swing the batter has, that will prevent extra bases. The coaches let the players know what a pitcher’s pick-off move is like and his rythym in order for the base runner to get better jumps to steal a bag or advance an extra base. The third base coach has to give signs, which is a very complex process. Opposing coaches and players are always watching the third base coach to try to figure out his signs. To prevent this, a coach usually has an indicator he has to touch first or something such as the third thing he touches is the sign. He also employs a wipe off, which whatever sign he just gave was wiped off and he goes through the whole process again in order to keep the other team guessing. The pitching coach relays signs to the catcher who relays them to the pitcher to tell him what pitch to throw. This is very important because if the coach were to give the same signs in the same sequence or situation, the batters would know what pitch is coming and that would increase their chances of getting a hit. Good pitching coaches vary the pitch sequence and never allow the batter to get comfortable in the batter’s box. In the time baseball coaches do all the above, soccer coaches have consumed a juice box, eaten an orange at halftime, decided on going to Applebee’s, and one player substitution.

As much as the coaching staff does for a baseball team, none of that would matter without intelligent players to execute the situations correctly. When I say intelligent, that does not mean classroom grades, it means baseball intelligence. I believe our team IQ is 6, but that does not stop us from being smart on the field. For every play of the game, and at every position on the field, there is a place a player has to be. On a ground ball to the short stop the first baseman has to go to first to catch the ball, the second baseman goes to cover second, the third baseman and left fielder both break towards the ball, the center fielder breaks in toward the infield, and the catcher and right fielder back up first base. Everyone has a duty and the duties change depending on where the ball is hit, how many runners are on base, what bases they are on, how many out there are, the score of the game, etc.

All in all, soccer wishes it could be like baseball in America. So much so, that they named their professional soccer league (Major League Soccer) after Major League Baseball. Europe sent their best soccer player, David Beckham, over here to America to try to bring popularity to the sport. It worked…for about a week. Soccer will never be like baseball, in our high school or anywhere else in America for that matter. As much as I love the Little Debbie snacks and juice boxes, you will never find me on a soccer field, unless we are conditioning for baseball.