Humphrey's Thoughts on Soccer: Part 1

I have now been living with Humphrey's parents for over two weeks and his mother Bernise dug up an old collection of essays he wrote in his senior year of high school.

There is one about soccer which is the focus of the globe right now as South Africa hosts the World Cup. But before we get to Humphrey's thoughts on the original football, I'll describe this collection of writing.

The cover page simply says SENIOR SCRAPBOOK. For whatever reason, he decided to write everything in size 14, all caps, Castellar. The choice of this stencil-looking font is questionable, but I assume that he was trying to write as little as possible and the font stretched things out.

Bernise keeps everything and it came as no surprise to me that she also bound the essays with three red and white shoelace-lookin' strings. Humphrey's first essay follows. It has not been edited. He doesn't fully understand commas but it is fine writing for a senior in high school.


WHO AM I?

THIS IS HUMPHREY I AM IN MY SENIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL AT HANGOVER. THIS IS MRS. MCMILLAN'S CLASS, END OF THE YEAR PROJECT. A LITTLE ABOUT MYSELF. I HAVE MANY LEATHER BOUND BOOKS, MY APARTMENT SMELLS OF RICH MAHOGANY, I GO OUT WITH MERLIN OLSON, ON OCCASION. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ASKING YOURSELF. AND THE ANSWER IS YES. I HAVE A NICKNAME FOR MY STOMACH. IT'S CALLED THE OCTAGON. BUT I ALSO NICKNAMED MY LEGS. MY LEFT ONE IS JAMES WESTFALL AND MY RIGHT ONE IS DR. KENNETH NOISEWATER. I'M ALL ABOUT HAVING FUN. YOU KNOW, GET A COUPLE OF COCKTAILS IN ME, START A FIRE IN SOMEONE’S KITCHEN, MAYBE GO TO SEA WORLD, TAKE MY PANTS OFF. PEOPLE SEEM TO LIKE ME BECAUSE I AM POLITE, AND I’M RARELY LATE. I LIKE TO EAT ICE CREAM AND I REALLY ENJOY A NICE PAIR OF SLACKS. ON A FUNNIER NOTE, I LIVE IN THE MAGNIFICENT TOWN OF MECHANICSVILLE, JUST NORTH OF RICHMOND. I WILL BE ATTENDING JAMES MADISON UNIVERSITY IN HARRISONBURG, VIRGINIA, IN THE FALL. I PLAN TO STUDY HISTORY AND EVENTUALLY BECOME A HIGH SCHOOL HISTORY TEACHER. I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO BECOME A BASEBALL COACH AT THE HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL.

“FRANNIE MAC” IS PROBABLY PISSED THAT I ‘WASTED’ A PAGE BUT IT IS COOL BECAUSE THIS IS WHO I AM. I DON’T ACTUALLY DO HALF OF THAT STUFF I LISTED ABOVE BUT CHANNEL FOUR NEWS IS A BIG PART OF MY LIFE AND MOM YOUR PROBABLY PISSED RIGHT NOW TOO, BUT THIS IS MY BOOK NOT YOURS, EVEN THOUGH I WILL HAND IT TO YOU ONCE I GET BACK FROM FRANNIE MAC (YES THAT RHYMES) AND I WILL MOST LIKELY NEVER SEE IT AGAIN.

He seems to be afraid of using paragraphs and he may also be bi-polar (thinks he is Ron Burgundy).

Credit is due to "Frannie Mac" because it was she who suggested Hangin' with Humphrey look into the high school writing. On the Hangin' with Humphrey facebook page, the web savvy co-ed wrote this: "As "Humphrey's" former English teacher, I suggest that you consider posting a few of his old essays, ranging in topics from why soccer sucks to the history of the toilet. True gems, I assure you."

Thanks Frannie Mac.

Stay tuned for Part 2.