For those of you who thought Humphrey and I weren't going to sac up and do it. Feast your eyes. (Though you should know this was the encore and the earliest stuff was better.) The end is the best where we try to party-boy my fiery professor. She loves it! She wanted it!
This was my last class period ever in college. I think I did it well. Thank you Humphrey for helpin' me do it up.
After the performance, some professor in the hallway looked at us and said, "Are you guys drunk?"
Some nerve that asshole had asking us if we left that Olde English 40 bottle in the middle of the hallway! We were making sure people didn't trip over it.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Legends Have Lapses (No H in Team)
Much has been made over the last couple of days about how Humphrey's flag football team, Dickinthe4skins, was snubbed of at least one game at the end of the season. After attending three of the matches and playing sparingly in two of them (I'm the second coming of George Plimpton), I must say that Humphrey struggled to be the leader of this team.
This blog has been and usually will be a glorification of one of the finest Americans to ever diet on Natural Light, but when Humphrey comes up short — and it seldom happens — I believe it is important to point that out. I know for some it stings to read this, but he is at least half human being.
In last week's game against an impressive all-Asian squad, Humphrey got off to a hot start under center. It was an amusing start too, as he dressed as Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. His hair has grown rather long — he is going for a mullet next week — and he gelled it up just like Jim Carrey in those great American films. He also donned an Hawaiian shirt with jeans tucked into his woolly tube socks.
He played Ace well, replacing BLUE 32! snap counts with BUMBLEBEE TUNA! BUMBLEBEE TUNA! and EINHORN IS A MAN! It seemed to be working as the other team was caught off guard by his charisma and commitment to the game and his character. On the game's first play he comfortably slung a 30-yard touchdown pass to a streaking Chris, not to be confused with Big Chris. It was a shootout through the first half as both teams struck often. Dickinthe4skins trailed by a score or two at the break. Humphrey had managed to keep the team in the game against a far quicker and as he put it "sneakier" opponent. He was having fun in the process.
Humphrey plays well out of the shotgun as it's just a few steps in from the snaps he took as a punter for Hanover High School, where he became Henrico County's most prolific boot of all time.
The second half was a different story. Possibly bogged down from swigging an Olde English before the game, he went from being an accurate Peyton Manning to an erratic Jake Plummer. He went from the top of Mel Kiper Jr.'s draft board to barely looking at getting a practice invite from the Scottish Claymores of the now defunct NFL Europe experiment. (Though it's debatable if his love for the American sport is enough to see him go abroad in order to continue playing it.) He went from being the leading candidate for the head of the Players' Association to leading candidate for the head of the Washed-Up Punters' Association. Humphrey failed the Dickinthe4skins as the team's once fearless leader.
He came to the sidelines after throwing pick-6s and tried to hide his dismay with comedy. "They're so sneaky and quick," Humphrey said. "Feels like Pearl Harbor out there."
Instead of rallying his troops and finding a solution to the quickness of Team Flagrats, Humphrey reverted to cheap talk with the officials. They were amused, but not enough to add points for the Dickinthe4skins. The final score was an embarrassing 63-41.
It is important to note that there is no I in team. There is no H for that matter, either. Humphrey only has the E and the M and that means at best the semi-human Humphrey was half the team. Everyone else was to blame as well.
Co-ed Kristin, a once legendary defensive tackle, wasn't even at the game as far as I remember, opting to study instead. (Below, Kristin and Humphrey team-worked for a nice catch a couple of weekends ago.)
Co-ed Becca, a starter for the JMU club Ultimate Frisbee team the Bitch Monkeys, couldn't snag much of anything. Her usually soft hands with the disk turned into stone with the pigskin. (Co-ed Becca is below, far left, with a team she apparently cares more about.)
Co-ed Lauryn, a nice gal with solid hands, lacked focus as she could only think about selfishly ruining another co-ed's birthday party on Saturday because she didn't plan her own. (The Birthday impostor is below with Humphrey.)
Zach, a striking young chap from Chincoteague, was anything but a galloping horse that his home island is known for. He was spent most of the 10 p.m. game trying to fine-tune his tan under the 1,000-watt stadium bulbs. (Zach also lifeguards.)
Chris, a balding young fella — not to be confused with Big Chris — was too busy texting his girlfriend Kelsey (a wonderful co-ed, I must add), hoping to secure some afternoon delight in the back of her car as soon as she got into town on Saturday afternoon. The rendezvous happened, so I guess you can't blame him too much. (This picture below is likely post-rendezvous because if he had lost balance, no chance at any delight for a long while.)
Mike, the sketchy cat from Jersey mentioned in the previous blog, played hard, but forgot that we were playing football at times. During one crucial third down, he stopped mid-play and pretended to be holding a skull as he acted out the part of Hamlet, or something like that. (Mike, below, "acting" with his "friend" Jesse.)
Myself, a sack specialist, was a disgrace to Daniel E. "Rudy" Ruettiger. After recording a monster sack the previous week, I was worthless. Even when the sizable Asian played quarterback he left me diving for nothing as he continued to prove that his race is the quickest and shiftiest to ever play. (Below is me. No. 45.)
Spectators also deserve some of the blame. Big Chris, not to be confused with Chris, and Pat — two gargantuan young chaps, in their own ways — gave little support and instead played grabass. (A picture of the two can't be located because they're always playing grabass.)
Brad, a confusing young chap, is Humphrey's only roommate not on the team. He is still nursing an ankle injury, but his support could have gone a long way. Sadly, the most likely reason he wasn't at the game is that he was masturbating to Merlin, a two-year old British television series about a wizard. (...Yeah.) (Brad, below and left, getting ready to watch Merlin before kicking Zach out of the room.)
In the end it was a collective failure. Ace didn't save the day and Dan Marino didn't back to the big game. April 20, 2010 is day that will live in infamy.
This blog has been and usually will be a glorification of one of the finest Americans to ever diet on Natural Light, but when Humphrey comes up short — and it seldom happens — I believe it is important to point that out. I know for some it stings to read this, but he is at least half human being.
In last week's game against an impressive all-Asian squad, Humphrey got off to a hot start under center. It was an amusing start too, as he dressed as Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. His hair has grown rather long — he is going for a mullet next week — and he gelled it up just like Jim Carrey in those great American films. He also donned an Hawaiian shirt with jeans tucked into his woolly tube socks.
He played Ace well, replacing BLUE 32! snap counts with BUMBLEBEE TUNA! BUMBLEBEE TUNA! and EINHORN IS A MAN! It seemed to be working as the other team was caught off guard by his charisma and commitment to the game and his character. On the game's first play he comfortably slung a 30-yard touchdown pass to a streaking Chris, not to be confused with Big Chris. It was a shootout through the first half as both teams struck often. Dickinthe4skins trailed by a score or two at the break. Humphrey had managed to keep the team in the game against a far quicker and as he put it "sneakier" opponent. He was having fun in the process.
Humphrey plays well out of the shotgun as it's just a few steps in from the snaps he took as a punter for Hanover High School, where he became Henrico County's most prolific boot of all time.
The second half was a different story. Possibly bogged down from swigging an Olde English before the game, he went from being an accurate Peyton Manning to an erratic Jake Plummer. He went from the top of Mel Kiper Jr.'s draft board to barely looking at getting a practice invite from the Scottish Claymores of the now defunct NFL Europe experiment. (Though it's debatable if his love for the American sport is enough to see him go abroad in order to continue playing it.) He went from being the leading candidate for the head of the Players' Association to leading candidate for the head of the Washed-Up Punters' Association. Humphrey failed the Dickinthe4skins as the team's once fearless leader.
He came to the sidelines after throwing pick-6s and tried to hide his dismay with comedy. "They're so sneaky and quick," Humphrey said. "Feels like Pearl Harbor out there."
Instead of rallying his troops and finding a solution to the quickness of Team Flagrats, Humphrey reverted to cheap talk with the officials. They were amused, but not enough to add points for the Dickinthe4skins. The final score was an embarrassing 63-41.
It is important to note that there is no I in team. There is no H for that matter, either. Humphrey only has the E and the M and that means at best the semi-human Humphrey was half the team. Everyone else was to blame as well.
Co-ed Kristin, a once legendary defensive tackle, wasn't even at the game as far as I remember, opting to study instead. (Below, Kristin and Humphrey team-worked for a nice catch a couple of weekends ago.)
Co-ed Becca, a starter for the JMU club Ultimate Frisbee team the Bitch Monkeys, couldn't snag much of anything. Her usually soft hands with the disk turned into stone with the pigskin. (Co-ed Becca is below, far left, with a team she apparently cares more about.)
Co-ed Lauryn, a nice gal with solid hands, lacked focus as she could only think about selfishly ruining another co-ed's birthday party on Saturday because she didn't plan her own. (The Birthday impostor is below with Humphrey.)
Zach, a striking young chap from Chincoteague, was anything but a galloping horse that his home island is known for. He was spent most of the 10 p.m. game trying to fine-tune his tan under the 1,000-watt stadium bulbs. (Zach also lifeguards.)
Chris, a balding young fella — not to be confused with Big Chris — was too busy texting his girlfriend Kelsey (a wonderful co-ed, I must add), hoping to secure some afternoon delight in the back of her car as soon as she got into town on Saturday afternoon. The rendezvous happened, so I guess you can't blame him too much. (This picture below is likely post-rendezvous because if he had lost balance, no chance at any delight for a long while.)
Mike, the sketchy cat from Jersey mentioned in the previous blog, played hard, but forgot that we were playing football at times. During one crucial third down, he stopped mid-play and pretended to be holding a skull as he acted out the part of Hamlet, or something like that. (Mike, below, "acting" with his "friend" Jesse.)
Myself, a sack specialist, was a disgrace to Daniel E. "Rudy" Ruettiger. After recording a monster sack the previous week, I was worthless. Even when the sizable Asian played quarterback he left me diving for nothing as he continued to prove that his race is the quickest and shiftiest to ever play. (Below is me. No. 45.)
Spectators also deserve some of the blame. Big Chris, not to be confused with Chris, and Pat — two gargantuan young chaps, in their own ways — gave little support and instead played grabass. (A picture of the two can't be located because they're always playing grabass.)
Brad, a confusing young chap, is Humphrey's only roommate not on the team. He is still nursing an ankle injury, but his support could have gone a long way. Sadly, the most likely reason he wasn't at the game is that he was masturbating to Merlin, a two-year old British television series about a wizard. (...Yeah.) (Brad, below and left, getting ready to watch Merlin before kicking Zach out of the room.)
In the end it was a collective failure. Ace didn't save the day and Dan Marino didn't back to the big game. April 20, 2010 is day that will live in infamy.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
UPDATE: Dickinthe4skins Uncircumcision Hopes Flaccid
I just wanted to update everyone. Dickinthe4skins, Humphrey's 4-on-4 flag football team, will not play another game. Like we thought yesterday, there is no playoffs for the Co Rec 1 league.
But myself and (unlicensed) attorney at law Chip Tarkenton were both miffed, to put it lightly, yesterday at the lack of opportunity the team was afforded.
I received a text message today from Jersey Mike saying that he spoke with an anonymous UREC source. Anonymous sources will seldom be used on this highly journalisticly sound publication, but it is the only new information we have. I am especially uncomfortable quoting this anonymous source because the news gatherer who talked to the source is not exactly an example of integrity.
Jersey Mike, known to most for his sketchy Jersey ways, must be taken with a grain of salt. He isn't greasy or overly tan, like Zach, but he reportedly has ties to the Mafia. That would explain why he sneakily moves around Harrisonburg, popping up at random times with his aviators on. The only reason I'm slightly inclined to trust him is because the kid really trusts himself.
Shortly after a near-death experience on Saturday evening, Mike assured me that he trusts himself. "Trust me," he said in his soft voice, only fitting of an aspiring mobster. "I don't really trust anyone else, but I trust myself. Trust me. Don't take the bus, the driver is drunk too." There is a good chance that it is all an act because Mike was quite the thespian in high school. He is regarded by some as the best high school actor in New Jersey history.
But he really is so sketchy that I'm trying to find a picture on facebook with no luck. I've searched a variety of ways his name could be worded but no profiles are showing up. I've even searched mutual friends' friends list but he apparently has his profile on the most heightened levels of secrecy.
He just walked in the room. "Yeah, I make it as hard as possible for people to find me." Surprise, surprise.
But according to Mike's text: "I quote from an anonymous urec source that they messed up our schedule. Corec 1 doesn't have playoffs. But the folks at urec expected us to win the championship."
I have also heard that the beautiful co-ed Kristin, former defensive tackle, is regrouping today. For a while last night she was considering admitting herself to psych ward, but thanks to loving support from Humphrey, the guys and her beautiful co-ed roommates Amanda, Lauren and Lisa (freak), she is healing faster than expected from the emotional scars of another botched football experience. It really is a shame that it has come to this. I invite everyone to join the blog as followers and discuss your thoughts on the situation. Chip is more than welcome to give the readers some legal follow up.
Oh, and I've been granted access to the virtual world of Jersey Mike. Here he is.
Thoughts on Mike:
Brad (the kid with the big nose for new readers) -- "Sketchy mothafucka."
Zach (tan kid who sometimes wears capris) -- "Brad took my line."
Humphrey (no description necessary) -- "Mike's just there... in the corner."
Brad -- "He's in theater. What a fag."
But myself and (unlicensed) attorney at law Chip Tarkenton were both miffed, to put it lightly, yesterday at the lack of opportunity the team was afforded.
I received a text message today from Jersey Mike saying that he spoke with an anonymous UREC source. Anonymous sources will seldom be used on this highly journalisticly sound publication, but it is the only new information we have. I am especially uncomfortable quoting this anonymous source because the news gatherer who talked to the source is not exactly an example of integrity.
Jersey Mike, known to most for his sketchy Jersey ways, must be taken with a grain of salt. He isn't greasy or overly tan, like Zach, but he reportedly has ties to the Mafia. That would explain why he sneakily moves around Harrisonburg, popping up at random times with his aviators on. The only reason I'm slightly inclined to trust him is because the kid really trusts himself.
Shortly after a near-death experience on Saturday evening, Mike assured me that he trusts himself. "Trust me," he said in his soft voice, only fitting of an aspiring mobster. "I don't really trust anyone else, but I trust myself. Trust me. Don't take the bus, the driver is drunk too." There is a good chance that it is all an act because Mike was quite the thespian in high school. He is regarded by some as the best high school actor in New Jersey history.
But he really is so sketchy that I'm trying to find a picture on facebook with no luck. I've searched a variety of ways his name could be worded but no profiles are showing up. I've even searched mutual friends' friends list but he apparently has his profile on the most heightened levels of secrecy.
He just walked in the room. "Yeah, I make it as hard as possible for people to find me." Surprise, surprise.
But according to Mike's text: "I quote from an anonymous urec source that they messed up our schedule. Corec 1 doesn't have playoffs. But the folks at urec expected us to win the championship."
I have also heard that the beautiful co-ed Kristin, former defensive tackle, is regrouping today. For a while last night she was considering admitting herself to psych ward, but thanks to loving support from Humphrey, the guys and her beautiful co-ed roommates Amanda, Lauren and Lisa (freak), she is healing faster than expected from the emotional scars of another botched football experience. It really is a shame that it has come to this. I invite everyone to join the blog as followers and discuss your thoughts on the situation. Chip is more than welcome to give the readers some legal follow up.
Oh, and I've been granted access to the virtual world of Jersey Mike. Here he is.
Thoughts on Mike:
Brad (the kid with the big nose for new readers) -- "Sketchy mothafucka."
Zach (tan kid who sometimes wears capris) -- "Brad took my line."
Humphrey (no description necessary) -- "Mike's just there... in the corner."
Brad -- "He's in theater. What a fag."
Interpretive Dance Latest
I was the recipient of a spirited e-mail yesterday from a JMU professor soon to be big-time novelist!
Not a co-ed, but a woman, this fiery writer and professor, got right to the point. The e-mail was titled "Interpretive Dance."
"Tim,
1. Are we going to get the interpretative dance? What are the results of the poll?"
Talk about pressure with only two class periods remaining.
I'm going to say, yes, her class is going to get an interpretative dance on Friday morning at about 9:15. I had already posted the results of the poll and 47 percent of the 34 voters believe Humphrey should do the dance in his daisy dukes and gold guido shirt. Humphrey has already planned around the dance and will not be able to go to work on Friday.
Here is a glimpse of Humphrey's sexy gold top, underneath an Hawaiian shirt.
Here is a shot of the last time Humphrey and I performed the dance. (Notice former defensive tackle co-ed Kristin, mentioned in the previous post, actively grinding against Humphrey's rump.)
Not a co-ed, but a woman, this fiery writer and professor, got right to the point. The e-mail was titled "Interpretive Dance."
"Tim,
1. Are we going to get the interpretative dance? What are the results of the poll?"
Talk about pressure with only two class periods remaining.
I'm going to say, yes, her class is going to get an interpretative dance on Friday morning at about 9:15. I had already posted the results of the poll and 47 percent of the 34 voters believe Humphrey should do the dance in his daisy dukes and gold guido shirt. Humphrey has already planned around the dance and will not be able to go to work on Friday.
Here is a glimpse of Humphrey's sexy gold top, underneath an Hawaiian shirt.
Here is a shot of the last time Humphrey and I performed the dance. (Notice former defensive tackle co-ed Kristin, mentioned in the previous post, actively grinding against Humphrey's rump.)
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
SPECIAL: 'Attorney' Weighs In
This letter was originally posted as a comment to the last post. I want to encourage readers to start discussions by commenting on the blog posts. Facebook is good, but we'll drive more people to the blog if everyone becomes a follower (see right and it's easy). The following is in regards to the Dickinthe4skins being left out of the playoffs. Thank you very much for your input Mr. Tarkenton.
Tim,
I'm Chip Tarkenton, a prestigious amateur lawyer specializing in cases that violate intramural sports liberties, and having accidentally stumbled upon your blog in an attempt to check the birth date of former vice president Hubert Humphrey, I believe we have a case here.
Like former Vice President Humphrey, it's evident that we're dealing with another great American here. No, your Humphrey didn't rise from modest beginnings in South Dakota to ascend to the second highest position of power in our great country, but its clear that your Humphrey stands for similar principles; America, football, co-eds, and 'Doin it live.' And America. And that's something we can build on.
V.P. Humphrey
What we have here, boys, is a prime example of intramural sports discrimination. If you scramble up the letters of UREC and add DOMMNIST to it do you know what you get? RED COMMUNIST! This isn't Vietcong University, this is AMERICA we're talking about here! Pardon me if I sound old fashioned but I still believe in a great American world where a portly young man with striking blue eyes can get liquored up and participate in Playoff Intramural AMERICAN Football. This spirited young Patriot they call Humphrey should be worried about a pass rush, not a gross violation of his constitutional rights, clearly protected in the Articles of Confederation. Sign me up boys, let's show these fascist pigs that when you fuck with the Red, White, and Blue, you're always gonna lose.
Chip Tarkenton
(Unlicensed) Attorney at Law
1830L Putter Court, America.
Tim,
I'm Chip Tarkenton, a prestigious amateur lawyer specializing in cases that violate intramural sports liberties, and having accidentally stumbled upon your blog in an attempt to check the birth date of former vice president Hubert Humphrey, I believe we have a case here.
Like former Vice President Humphrey, it's evident that we're dealing with another great American here. No, your Humphrey didn't rise from modest beginnings in South Dakota to ascend to the second highest position of power in our great country, but its clear that your Humphrey stands for similar principles; America, football, co-eds, and 'Doin it live.' And America. And that's something we can build on.
V.P. Humphrey
What we have here, boys, is a prime example of intramural sports discrimination. If you scramble up the letters of UREC and add DOMMNIST to it do you know what you get? RED COMMUNIST! This isn't Vietcong University, this is AMERICA we're talking about here! Pardon me if I sound old fashioned but I still believe in a great American world where a portly young man with striking blue eyes can get liquored up and participate in Playoff Intramural AMERICAN Football. This spirited young Patriot they call Humphrey should be worried about a pass rush, not a gross violation of his constitutional rights, clearly protected in the Articles of Confederation. Sign me up boys, let's show these fascist pigs that when you fuck with the Red, White, and Blue, you're always gonna lose.
Chip Tarkenton
(Unlicensed) Attorney at Law
1830L Putter Court, America.
BREAKING NEWS: Dickinthe4skins Circumsized from Playoffs
I was just prepared to write about how Humphrey's lack of leadership led to the Dickinthe4skins being left out of the flag football playoffs, but something smells fishy (and it clearly has nothing to do with the Dickinthe4skins).
After looking at the standings of the Co Rec 1 league (that's the lowest level league that includes co-eds) I realized that Dickinthe4skins should absolutely be playing tonight. Nothing like some good ol' investigative journalism to get me going.
If you click the previous link, you will first notice that Co Rec 1 isn't included under the brackets section of this Spring's 4-on-4 leagues. This could be a mistake on the part of UREC or, like I suspect, Co Rec 1 was purposefully not included in playoff action. I will look into whether this violates Title IX and is a clear discrimination against co-eds trying to participate in America's pigskin pastime.
(Humphrey's best friend and football legend Benjamin Rogers of Hampden-Sydney is baffled by this breaking news.)
To think that James Madison University, a beacon for equality, would stand for such an affront to co-eds. I know Humphrey is personally offended as he and the Captain of Dickinthe4skins, Zach, made a point to join the never-ending plight of co-eds in this country. One co-ed of Dickinthe4skins, the beautiful Kristin from Sandwich, Mass., even had a small stint as a defensive tackle in secondary school.
Beautiful co-ed Kristin
All of Kristin's memories have now come flooding back. She is reportedly sitting in a Carrier Library nook, bawling her eyes out with her chauvinistic coaches ringing in her ears. "Kristin, you'll never make it in the trenches weighing 100 pounds and standing 5-foot-4. You don't have the guts to get fat enough! Take your blond ponytail back to the locker bay where you can help the other co-eds plan a 'Mass' pregnancy scandal!" She thought by coming to JMU she would have a shot at playing for a football title without the sting of discrimination that has hindered our beautiful nation to this day. (Humphrey is currently en-route to comfort her. *Take note Pat, you don't have to be in the friends' zone, damn it!)
But I digress. Tonight must be some sort of consolation game for the top four teams in Co Rec 1. But the problem is that Dickinthe4skins finished fourth, not the Honey Combs. Dickinthe4skins not only finished with more wins at 2-3 (Honey Combs are 1-3), but for Mathematicians like Big Chris, not to be confused with Chris, that's a higher winning percentage at .400 compared to the Honey Combs' .250. The only way that Dickinthe4skins could have finished last is if they had a shoddy sportsmanship rating. Not so. They sit proudly with a 3.41 rating, good enough for third in the league. That's higher than the Honey Combs (3.15) and the Flagrats (3.18). Humphrey is a big reason for that rating, as he constantly compliments the zebras and puts them in stitches with his lively snap counts. "Bumblebee Tuna, Bumblebee Tuna!"
I have notified Humphrey and Captain Dick (Zach) about this unfortunate, and some might say tragic, development. Humphrey is enraged and likely trying to console Kristin. Poor guy can barely keep his composure right now. Captain Dick and Jersey Mike are going to see what UREC says.
Captain Dick's thoughts via text message: "they are scared of an upset then again its not really an upset when you have a 'rudy-like' figure in tim."
Could be Captain Dick. Could be.
(More to come when developments break.)
After looking at the standings of the Co Rec 1 league (that's the lowest level league that includes co-eds) I realized that Dickinthe4skins should absolutely be playing tonight. Nothing like some good ol' investigative journalism to get me going.
If you click the previous link, you will first notice that Co Rec 1 isn't included under the brackets section of this Spring's 4-on-4 leagues. This could be a mistake on the part of UREC or, like I suspect, Co Rec 1 was purposefully not included in playoff action. I will look into whether this violates Title IX and is a clear discrimination against co-eds trying to participate in America's pigskin pastime.
(Humphrey's best friend and football legend Benjamin Rogers of Hampden-Sydney is baffled by this breaking news.)
To think that James Madison University, a beacon for equality, would stand for such an affront to co-eds. I know Humphrey is personally offended as he and the Captain of Dickinthe4skins, Zach, made a point to join the never-ending plight of co-eds in this country. One co-ed of Dickinthe4skins, the beautiful Kristin from Sandwich, Mass., even had a small stint as a defensive tackle in secondary school.
Beautiful co-ed Kristin
All of Kristin's memories have now come flooding back. She is reportedly sitting in a Carrier Library nook, bawling her eyes out with her chauvinistic coaches ringing in her ears. "Kristin, you'll never make it in the trenches weighing 100 pounds and standing 5-foot-4. You don't have the guts to get fat enough! Take your blond ponytail back to the locker bay where you can help the other co-eds plan a 'Mass' pregnancy scandal!" She thought by coming to JMU she would have a shot at playing for a football title without the sting of discrimination that has hindered our beautiful nation to this day. (Humphrey is currently en-route to comfort her. *Take note Pat, you don't have to be in the friends' zone, damn it!)
But I digress. Tonight must be some sort of consolation game for the top four teams in Co Rec 1. But the problem is that Dickinthe4skins finished fourth, not the Honey Combs. Dickinthe4skins not only finished with more wins at 2-3 (Honey Combs are 1-3), but for Mathematicians like Big Chris, not to be confused with Chris, that's a higher winning percentage at .400 compared to the Honey Combs' .250. The only way that Dickinthe4skins could have finished last is if they had a shoddy sportsmanship rating. Not so. They sit proudly with a 3.41 rating, good enough for third in the league. That's higher than the Honey Combs (3.15) and the Flagrats (3.18). Humphrey is a big reason for that rating, as he constantly compliments the zebras and puts them in stitches with his lively snap counts. "Bumblebee Tuna, Bumblebee Tuna!"
I have notified Humphrey and Captain Dick (Zach) about this unfortunate, and some might say tragic, development. Humphrey is enraged and likely trying to console Kristin. Poor guy can barely keep his composure right now. Captain Dick and Jersey Mike are going to see what UREC says.
Captain Dick's thoughts via text message: "they are scared of an upset then again its not really an upset when you have a 'rudy-like' figure in tim."
Could be Captain Dick. Could be.
(More to come when developments break.)
Monday, April 19, 2010
Fast Food Mommas
Humphrey is no stranger to fast food. He loves good deals and knows where to find them. Taco Bell is one of those places.
Though Humphrey makes a hefty salary working for a used car dealer, he is American and he likes his bargains. It's tough to beat the 89 cent Beefy Five Layer Burrito. He usually gets three and trust me that's a mighty meal for less than three bones.
But the spawn of Big Rick isn't convinced that he can get this 89 cent deal just anytime. After all, he is American and part of being American is being a sheep when it comes to consumerism.
Yes, every time without fail, Humphrey goes up to the co-ed working the register and asks if Denise is working.
The first time I witnessed this it was a sunny Saturday morning in Harrisonburg. Accompanied by a less-observant Mike from Jersey (Mike is sketchy and might have been checking out a co-ed far younger than legal), Humphrey proudly walked up to a smiling co-ed named Sara. He gracefully placed his meaty left forearm upon the counter and politely leaned in, "Is Denise here?"
Aware of the Taco Bell commercial, Sara smiled politely, humoring Humphrey. He then asked about the 89 cent burrito.
"Is that cool? Is that still cool?" He said, still leaning against the counter with one beat up Sperry shoe crossed behind the other leg. As he reiterated this a couple of times, he kind of nodded his head each time as it was cocked a little to the left. Sara was clearly charmed by his suave moves. Bingo! She gives him the burritos for 89 cents.
"You're a doll," he said to the now near orgasming Sara.
I was ecstatic. Was she going to give me the same deal? She did, but the fun didn't stop there. As we waited for our little baggies of steaming shit, I mean refried beans, a seasoned veteran of the Taco Bell force greeted us. Roberta, a sweet old woman who looks like the maid in Billy Madison, smiled at us.
Just when I thought I was gonna hear a deep voice chuckle, "Humphrey, you can help me shave my armpits," Humphrey spoke up and said, "How's it goin' Roberta?"
"I'm fine," she said, as jolly as her cousin from Billy Madison.
Humphrey continued on his charm offensive that often paralyzes co-eds of all ages. Like I said, Roberta is a vet. In fact she told us that she's been in the exact location on Route 33 for 20 years. (She said the place used to be Bojangles, or some shit.) But even she fell for the Humphrey Hustle.
"Roberta, how about putting a couple of free tacos in our bag?" he said with a wink and that same nodding motion he won Sara over with.
Sure enough, Roberta came back and whispered in a sexy voice, "I put a couple tacos in there." She then licked her lips and crinkled her nose at Humphrey. OK, that didn't really happen, but it would have been awesome.
What made this performance all that more impressive was that it came before that outdoor soirée, when he nearly stole the flexible co-ed from his smooth, Sinatraesque neighbor Chip Tarkenton.
And just mere nights before he had been shot down by a haughty co-ed named Tonya at McDonald's. He called her doll after ordering a couple of McChicken sandwiches. Let's just say she wasn't "Lovin' it."
Humphrey, usually incredibly respectful of co-eds, was hurt by Tonya's dismissal and loudly mumbled in the parking lot, "Bitch." He hasn't been back to McDonald's.
But Sara and Roberta and those 89 cent burritos are doin' Humphrey well.
Though Humphrey makes a hefty salary working for a used car dealer, he is American and he likes his bargains. It's tough to beat the 89 cent Beefy Five Layer Burrito. He usually gets three and trust me that's a mighty meal for less than three bones.
But the spawn of Big Rick isn't convinced that he can get this 89 cent deal just anytime. After all, he is American and part of being American is being a sheep when it comes to consumerism.
Yes, every time without fail, Humphrey goes up to the co-ed working the register and asks if Denise is working.
The first time I witnessed this it was a sunny Saturday morning in Harrisonburg. Accompanied by a less-observant Mike from Jersey (Mike is sketchy and might have been checking out a co-ed far younger than legal), Humphrey proudly walked up to a smiling co-ed named Sara. He gracefully placed his meaty left forearm upon the counter and politely leaned in, "Is Denise here?"
Aware of the Taco Bell commercial, Sara smiled politely, humoring Humphrey. He then asked about the 89 cent burrito.
"Is that cool? Is that still cool?" He said, still leaning against the counter with one beat up Sperry shoe crossed behind the other leg. As he reiterated this a couple of times, he kind of nodded his head each time as it was cocked a little to the left. Sara was clearly charmed by his suave moves. Bingo! She gives him the burritos for 89 cents.
"You're a doll," he said to the now near orgasming Sara.
I was ecstatic. Was she going to give me the same deal? She did, but the fun didn't stop there. As we waited for our little baggies of steaming shit, I mean refried beans, a seasoned veteran of the Taco Bell force greeted us. Roberta, a sweet old woman who looks like the maid in Billy Madison, smiled at us.
Just when I thought I was gonna hear a deep voice chuckle, "Humphrey, you can help me shave my armpits," Humphrey spoke up and said, "How's it goin' Roberta?"
"I'm fine," she said, as jolly as her cousin from Billy Madison.
Humphrey continued on his charm offensive that often paralyzes co-eds of all ages. Like I said, Roberta is a vet. In fact she told us that she's been in the exact location on Route 33 for 20 years. (She said the place used to be Bojangles, or some shit.) But even she fell for the Humphrey Hustle.
"Roberta, how about putting a couple of free tacos in our bag?" he said with a wink and that same nodding motion he won Sara over with.
Sure enough, Roberta came back and whispered in a sexy voice, "I put a couple tacos in there." She then licked her lips and crinkled her nose at Humphrey. OK, that didn't really happen, but it would have been awesome.
What made this performance all that more impressive was that it came before that outdoor soirée, when he nearly stole the flexible co-ed from his smooth, Sinatraesque neighbor Chip Tarkenton.
And just mere nights before he had been shot down by a haughty co-ed named Tonya at McDonald's. He called her doll after ordering a couple of McChicken sandwiches. Let's just say she wasn't "Lovin' it."
Humphrey, usually incredibly respectful of co-eds, was hurt by Tonya's dismissal and loudly mumbled in the parking lot, "Bitch." He hasn't been back to McDonald's.
But Sara and Roberta and those 89 cent burritos are doin' Humphrey well.
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